Ask Amy: I'm Clashing with My Partner

July 26, 2017

Do you have any tips for dealing with a stubborn partner? We both want to succeed, but we can’t seem to communicate. —Jesse

You’ll never be able to control or change your partner‘s personality. But you can consider whether you’re communicating your needs effectively—especially if you tend to be a people pleaser. If you need your partner to adjust something, speak up. That said, pay attention to your tone and delivery. Blunt criticism (“You’re not putting me on my leg!”) can put someone on the defensive. Instead, try being more diplomatic, and offer a solution: “I don’t feel on my leg here—could you try shifting my weight slightly forward?”

Of course, this can be hard if your partner is overbearing or isn’t giving you the same consideration. If he or she won’t listen or let you get a word in, talk to them after rehearsal and stand up for yourself.

Notice what works

when you’re getting along,

and try to cultivate more of that

during the tense times.

It also helps to find out what makes each other tick. When I had problems with one of my partners, I started paying closer attention to what made him shut down. Eventually I realized that he responded to praise more than I did, and that my relentless perfectionism could feel overwhelming. Once I started giving him more positive reinforcement when things went well, he felt less discouraged during trouble spots. Notice what works when you’re getting along, and try to cultivate more of that during the tense times.


Have a question? Send it to
Pointe editor in chief and former dancer Amy Brandt at askamy@dancemedia.com.